It’s also the motivation behind Robbins’ latest book, The Let Them Theory. Published in the US in December and Australia in January, it’s become an instant New York Times bestseller.
In an interview with Robbins late last year, Oprah Winfrey described the book as “life-altering” and “one of the best self-help books I’ve ever read”.
How can it help you?
The “let them” theory can be applied to all manner of situations. Friends making plans without you? Let them. Then, let me be more proactive about reaching out to people.
Dating someone who’s sending you mixed signals? Let them confuse you. Then, let me decide if this is someone I actually want in my life.
According to Robbins, when we let people behave how they’re going to, it frees us from the burdensome and often futile task of trying to manage, change or control others. This leads to a greater sense of calm and control over our own lives.
“The ‘let them’ theory can empower individuals by reducing over-responsibility and promoting autonomy,” says Nahum Kozak, a senior psychologist at Lighthouse Relationships.
The theory, Kozak says, is particularly helpful for people suffering from anxiety or trauma, as well as those who over-empathise, take on too much responsibility or cater to others.
In a TikTok with 5.6 million views, creator @abefromanx explains how the theory has improved her relationships saying: “The sooner you’re able to … free yourself from … believing that you have more power over people than you do, is when you actually get to enjoy relationships because you don’t feel attached to outcomes.”
What to keep in mind
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It’s important to remember that the theory is made up of two parts. Stopping at “let them” without implementing “let me” can lead to passivity, avoidance or isolation. Robbins also advises that the theory is primarily designed for use by adults.
Understanding this is not a one-size-fits-all solution is also important.
“This is not a silver bullet to solving life’s problems,” says Dr Zena Burgess, chief executive of the Australian Psychological Society. “These approaches tend to be presented as if they can solve nearly anything. Human dynamics are much more complicated than that.”
“The ‘let them’ theory is just one strategy, but be aware you might need several tools in your toolkit. If you need help, reach out and ask for it,” says Kozak.
Letting adults do what they want to do isn’t always easy. However, in my experience, truly understanding you can’t control or change anyone but yourself has a profound way of lightening your load. Whichever way you come to this understanding, it’s no doubt a valuable lesson.
And while the “let them” theory hasn’t altogether vanquished my anxiety, it has helped me push through some related fears and emboldened me to do things I’d ordinarily talk myself out of.
As for whether it’s right for you, well, that’s just something I’ll have to let you decide.
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