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My own feelings of impostor syndrome intensified at what was, in hindsight, the turning point of my career. After years of auditions, I was cast in my first professional musical alongside some of the most talented performers I had ever met. You would think that this would have been enough to silence the voices in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough, but the initial excitement and sense of validation faded as the darkest corners of my mind found every possible reason, other than talent and hard work, to explain how I had won the role. I convinced myself that I got the gig because all other potential candidates were sick that day, everyone felt sorry for me, or I had somehow managed to trick everyone into thinking I was capable.
This crisis of confidence led to me reaching breaking point a few years later when I was living and performing in South Korea. I had always dreamt of working overseas, but my persistent self-doubt left me feeling paralysed and nearly put me on a plane back home.
At its worst, my self-doubt hits me like a wrecking ball, often when I least expect it. Over the years it has robbed me of joy, made it difficult for me to take pride in my achievements, been the catalyst for anxiety and depression, and made me feel alone.
This sense of isolation is one of the reasons I became a writer. In my darkest moments, what helped me the most was reading stories about other people who had been through something similar. So, I decided to write about my own experience with the hope of encouraging others to do the same.
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Developmental psychologist and author Robert Atkinson also advocates sharing our stories to help “show us that we have more in common with others than we thought”.
It might not make the impostor-type feelings go away, but it normalises what we are going through and creates opportunities for connection and healing. If you feel like impostor syndrome is holding you back, don’t be afraid to confide in a friend or trusted colleague. Once you start the conversation you will realise how many others, including people you look up to, suffer from the same negative beliefs.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you know, seek out a health professional that you can be open with. It’s also important to remember that our feelings don’t always reflect reality. Just because we feel a certain way doesn’t make it true.
Rising above my own lack of self-confidence has taken a combination of counselling, meditation, self-compassion and reflection, but writing and sharing my story has been paramount to helping me move forward. And when it feels like I am being swallowed by my fear and self-doubt, I remember my day at Meiji Jingu and how the heartfelt wish of a total stranger helped me feel less alone. I hope to do the same for others in return.
Christine Newell is a Melbourne-based author and performer. Her debut memoir, Five Seasons in Seoul, is published by Affirm Press.
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