Is your teen in the ‘too cool’ group? What parents need to know

“There are [also] parents who for a range of reasons really value being cool and being popular. I think they believe that high school is better and easier if you’re at the top of the tree.”

However, while some parents may have their child’s best interests at heart, this value and ambition to be popular can actually serve against their child’s best interests.

“These groups can sometimes pressure kids to fit in at the cost of being themselves,” says clinical psychologist and author Dr Rebecca Ray. “They may also encourage exclusionary behaviours or bullying, which can hurt both those inside and outside the group.”

Different kinds of popularity

While TCs and parents who support them can demonstrate unhealthy and mean-spirited behaviour, clinical psychologist and teen educator Dr Mary Kaspar says not all forms of popularity are like this.

Instead, there is another type of popularity – likeable popularity – that is respectful and inclusive, and should be the focus for young people and their parents.

“These kids are humble and kind and get along with many people,” says Kaspar. “They are not an exclusive group, and you can’t be higher or lower than anyone else in social standing, everyone is equal and has equal worth on the field.”

Ultimately, she says this type of popularity is about understanding common humanity and the ability to understand and respect the differences and flaws of yourself and others.

Kaspar says young people shouldn’t chase extrinsic markers – which can often feel linked to popularity – referring to factors outside ourselves like awards, trophies, online likes and subscribers. “This doesn’t change your worth,” she says.

So, what can parents do?

According to Ray, parents should focus on supporting their tween or teen to find social groups that aren’t driven by status or extrinsic markers but instead focus on shared interests, kindness and inclusion.

“These relationships tend to be more supportive and help your child feel valued for who they truly are, not how they rank socially,” she says.

Avoiding using labels like “cool” or “uncool” can also be helpful.

“Instead, highlight what makes a group special, like how they support each other,” says Ray.

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For any parent, both Ray and Sparrow also highlight the importance of being curious and observant.

“Be the chauffeur. Drive your child and their friends around and then zip it. Listen to how they speak about others and to each other,” Sparrow says.

If you do notice that your child is exhibiting any TC behaviours, Sparrow says you need to be willing to act on this sometimes uncomfortable and confronting information.

“It’s only when we’re willing to hear the truth about our kids that we can help them course-correct and choose a better path.”

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