Kids make it look easy, so why is making friends as adults so hard?

“We’ve slightly dialled down this sense of connection to our community – we don’t gather around churches as often, we don’t volunteer as often as we used to,” Martin says.

Loading

“Loneliness often comes off the back of transitions and life events, and young people go through a lot of those. Whether you’re moving cities to go to university or you’re starting a new job, you’re [often] forced to leave your old networks and start a new one when you’re a young person.”

Connecting with like-minded people through community or volunteer groups, whether they are sporting clubs, book groups or special interest meet-ups like craft groups, is among Martin’s recommendations for forging adult friendships.

Participants report greater success making connections when they choose groups that genuinely reflect their interests, and where they turn up regularly. While you might be in a rush to settle in quickly, it pays to give new friendships time to develop.

Associate Professor Michelle Lim, chief executive of Ending Loneliness Together, says it is also worth doing some personal reflection before looking outward.

“We often don’t have good insight as to what actually drives our own loneliness, and actually being able to find a confidant and investigating this [yourself] is also quite important because if we know what those drivers are, they can potentially be addressed right off the bat,” Lim said. “It’s not one-size-fits-all, it’s about what would work for you.”

Loading

Zena Burgess, Australian Pyschological Society chief executive, says open and honest communication are among the factors underpinning healthy adult friendships, noting that holding space for uncomfortable conversations may also deepen companionship.

“It is important to make time for friendships, especially given their significant benefit to our mental health and overall wellbeing,” Burgess said.

While it is tempting in a digital age, experts caution against excessive online modes of connection, with Martin suggesting it acts as a “double-edged sword” for Australians seeking social interaction.

“Those online relationships can be really helpful, but I think we also need to balance that with face-to-face interactions, where we’re making eye contact and in the same room as someone – we still have a really deep need for those as well,” Martin said.

“It does take a bit of courage to put yourself out there, but it’s really important to break that downward spiral that can happen when you are feeling lonely.”

Max Miller, a 21-year-old whose final years of high school were marred by COVID interruptions and remote learning, compares the importance for meaningful connection with the basic requirements of survival, such as eating and shelter.

“I find value in meeting people that I have no connection with, or have a connection by one or two degrees,” Miller says. “As you come into adulthood, especially early on, a lot of the artificial barriers around in high school begin to drop.”

Miller’s sentiment is shared by Caitlin Mah-Soeung, a student who met her three closest friends by “actively putting myself out there” at university.

A mixed diet of social connection, from quality family time to small talk in the coffee queue, are also often overlooked opportunities to stave off loneliness on a daily basis.

“I’d encourage people to have a variety of social interactions,” she says.

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday