Who gets the friends in a divorce?

Saying goodbye

No matter how much you may want to maintain friendships made during your marriage, there will be people who don’t stand the test of time. Losing friends to your ex can be painful — it may well feel like yet another layer of grief to process during an already challenging time.

Coping with this loss will mean you have to dig deep to find resilience. Friends who choose to prioritise your ex may have their own reasons —perhaps that was the closer relationship all along, or they simply feel more aligned with them now. It doesn’t reflect on your value as a person. And it’s OK to grieve.

“Losing shared friends is a real loss, and it’s OK to feel sad, hurt or even betrayed,” says Cao. “Give yourself permission to process these emotions without judgment.”

Loading

Jowett says this was hard to process when she split from her husband.

“Sadly, I did lose some friends who were more his friends — and he also needed his own supporters,” she says.

Cao says to focus on your own friendships, build new connections, and try to stay positive.

“It’s easy to fall into resentment or frustration, but focusing on the loss can drain your energy. Instead, prioritise self-care and activities that bring you joy.”

When friends split up

From the other side of the fence, it can be challenging to see your friends splitting up, especially if you’ve known both of them for a long time. At best, you might be upset as your social situation is rocked. You might at first resent feeling forced to choose. At worst, you might feel manipulated or used, a pawn in the continuing battle.

“Create space for your friends to share their feelings,” says Cao. “Avoid being the messenger between the parties, respect your friend’s privacy and don’t gossip with mutual friends.”

For Jowett, whose experience inspired her to become a life coach for women like her, having a friend like Ritman was critical to her wellbeing in the months after she separated.

“When I felt like hiding, Oenone was one of my circle of key supporting friends encouraging me,” she says. “She would message me to check in and call me for chats, suggest outings.

Loading

“I knew I could trust her implicitly and it was safe to be vulnerable about my loss, without divorce-shame. I had someone who listened and empathised and didn’t dramatise it or discuss it elsewhere.”

But what if you don’t want to have to choose? Is it possible to stay neutral Switzerland and for all to be well?

“You can remain friends with both parties,” says Cao. “But it does require careful navigation, clear boundaries and sensitivity. More often than not, people will end up choosing a side.”

Of course, if one or other of the married parties has done something undeniably wrong, this changes things. Joint friends often feel honour-bound to take the side of the spouse who has been unwittingly thrust into the role of victim.

Regardless, Jowett says post-separation, she now has a much deeper understanding of the true value of friendship.

“So many feel shame about divorce and hide or feel like a victim, especially after a long marriage. On reflection and through my coaching clients, I know how critical connection and understanding can be so we can step into a new life. We need the support of our friends.”

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.