How to talk to your partner about libido

Does sex drive change?

It’s natural for libido to fluctuate, says Swinburne senior psychology lecturer Dr Simone Buzwell.

“The idea of ‘normal’ in this domain is so variable,” says Buzwell, whose research specialises in sexuality. “Sex drive varies across ages, genders, sexuality … It’s actually really harmful for people to think there’s a normal libido.”

A range of biological, psychological and social factors can impact sex drive, Buzwell notes, including hormonal change. Hormone production tends to decrease with age, with things like pregnancy, breastfeeding, menopause and andropause (male menopause) all having an additional effect. Those undergoing a medical gender transition may also notice a change in their libido.

“Medical problems can also impact your sex drive … You may not feel that sexy if you have the flu. Similarly, if you’re in pain,” Buzwell says. “Also mental health problems – if you’re depressed, you may not want to engage in intimacy, but if you’ve got bipolar disorder, perhaps that’s something you want to engage in more.”

Other factors include stress – which could lead some to use sex as a coping mechanism – and anxiety or PTSD, which may dampen sexual urges. Social factors also play a role, Buzwell says, including the quality of relationships.

“People will have different cultural or religious backgrounds, and follow different rules around libido and sexual activity.”

My partner’s libido doesn’t match mine. What should I do?

Differences in sexual desire are completely normal across all sexual orientations, genders and relationship types, Campbell says. In fact, it’s the most common reason people seek sex therapy.

This isn’t just because of the various factors that impact sex drive, but also because there are different types of desire.

For some, mismatched libidos create a negative cycle within a relationship, with the higher desire partner perhaps feeling rejected, and the lower desire partner feeling pressured or guilty. In these cases, psycho-sexologist Asha Bosman says it’s best to speak openly about your feelings while remaining non-judgmental.

“Rather than trying to fix the discrepancy … talk about what sex and desire mean to each of you. Ask with curiosity, not criticism. Often, these conversations reveal so much more than just sexual preferences – they uncover emotional needs and stressors.”

It’s important to invest in non-sexual intimacy too, including touching, talking, laughing, even just sitting quietly together. Bosman says these kinds of connections create the safety and closeness that then facilitates desire.

“And don’t forget playfulness and fun,” she says. “We tend to think of desire as serious, but it’s often sparked by lightness and novelty. Stay curious about each other, not just sexually, but as whole people.”

If the negative cycle continues, Campbell suggests seeking relationship therapy to rebuild emotional safety.

“Only once that’s in place can we explore the deeper factors affecting desire. What activates each partner’s interest in sex – their accelerators, and what inhibits it – their brakes.

“From there, we work toward building a sense of shared pleasure, collaboration and connection, where both partners can feel seen, valued and satisfied.”

When should I worry?

Libido is only a cause for concern if it changes suddenly, causes distress, or impacts your relationships or self-esteem, Bosman says.

“There’s no ‘normal’ you need to live up to. What matters is how you feel about it.”

If it’s impacting your ability to function, she recommends connecting with a certified sex therapist or psychologist.

Are there drugs that can get me going?

Usually, the libido fluctuates as a result of natural factors, but there are also some external, artificial factors. For example, medications for high blood pressure and antidepressants like Lexapro have both been linked to reduced sexual function. Meanwhile, specific selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) medications like bupropion (Wellbutrin), and erectile enhancement treatments like sildenafil (Viagra) can sometimes improve sexual response.

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One study even suggests Ozempic could help increase libido. Notably, the research is only based on anecdotal evidence and requires further clinical research. Meanwhile, some people on social media are arguing the opposite, claiming Ozempic lowered their sex drive.

Without further research, it’s difficult to say whether Ozempic could impact libido, Buzwell says. However, there’s already a proven link between obesity and sexual dysfunction.

“If Ozempic is helping someone lose weight, and that makes them feel more attractive and healthy, they might feel more sexual,” she says. “If you feel great in your body, you’re more likely to want to share it with someone else, or even just with yourself.”

On the other hand, the drug inhibits certain reward-pleasure activity in the brain, which would presumably include sexual urges.

“Just remember it’s more complex than just physiological factors,” Buzwell says.

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