Knocked back for a job because I’m gay

Each week, Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions on workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: rejected for being gay, treating any and all feedback as “mansplaining”, and a missing redundancy payout.

I was recently told by a potential employer that they had turned down my application because they were concerned my “lifestyle” (I’m gay) wouldn’t be a fit with their regional location. I know this is discrimination, but I’m worried that raising a union complaint could mark me as a “troublemaker” and block me from other possible roles. How do I educate this company not to put other workers through this, without burning bridges?

I am seething with rage for you and anyone else having to deal with employers who are blatantly breaching the law, let alone robbing a regional location of a fabulous new member of their community.

I would love you to go to your union and have this company dealt with for breaching their legal obligations, but that is easy for me to say. I imagine it wouldn’t be an easy thing to do. One thing I do suggest you do, though, is test whether your fear about being seen as a “troublemaker” is accurate. Ask some of your trusted colleagues – I think you might be nicely surprised that a giant proportion of your colleagues and other employers will support your stance.

In terms of educating this company without burning bridges, you are well within your rights to put your concerns in writing to them. Point out what was said to you and how they are breaching the law. Find out what their company values are from their website and perhaps also point out how they are breaching those too. They should be informed in no uncertain terms that this behaviour should never happen again. Take care, and I hope you find an employer to work with in your preferred region soon. They will be fortunate to have you.

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I have a female manager who is efficient but who cannot take feedback. Any male peer, and even her male manager, who has tried to give her feedback has been accused of “mansplaining”. She will often come to some of her team members and tell us about these incidents. Sometimes we know that the feedback provided is correct, but none of us have the guts to say it because we know that either she will start micromanaging us or will accuse us of mansplaining too. How can you provide feedback to a manager like this without upsetting them?

Weaponising the term “mansplaining” is not helpful to anyone, although it sounds like your manager is unlikely to be open to any kind of feedback, regardless of the gender of the person who offers it. Her boss is best placed to address this, and may need to engage someone else to assist him.

Meanwhile, the best way to provide feedback to someone who tends to get defensive is to enter every conversation with curiosity – use questions to understand, rather than sounding like you are judging them. Instead of focusing on what is being done wrong, use statements like “I am curious about why we have decided to go with that approach”. This is much more likely to lead to a collaborative conversation than saying “I don’t think this is the right approach and here’s why…”