I used to ruuuuuule the world/Then I got caught on Jumbotron getting felt up by my boss/Now in the mornings I sleeeeeep alone/So I called Oprah to whine and moan.
Cue the synthesizers, Coldplay fans, Kristin Cabot is back with her very own version of Viva La Vida, a doleful ballad weβll call Diva La Vida. And make no mistake about it, Cabot is one cranky lady. Eight months after her unconscionable coupling with Astronomer CEO Andy Byron was caught on a concert βkiss camβ, the footage has been viewed online more than a billion times, theyβre both out of a job, and everyone from Gwyneth Paltrow to baseballβs Phillie Phanatic mascot has had a public crack at them.
In the interim, the affair between Byron and Cabot ended quietly and he, cue shock and surprise, reportedly went back to his wife. Cabot, meanwhile, was pilloried in public, lambasted online and doxed by vigilantes.
The raging double standard is almost enough to make you sympathise with Cabot, whose estranged husband (also named Andrew; #awkward) has confirmed they were separated before the affair. Thereβs no defending the death threats that were directed at her or her family. The mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers behind them belong in jail.
Cabot, meanwhile, couldβve done a great many things. Moved into a yurt. Invested in a colourful selection of fake moustaches and wigs. Played a long game with the internet, because while the affair footage isnβt going anywhere, most people have the memories of goldfish, so a goodly percentage of them will likely forget they ever saw it.
Instead, Cabot hired a publicist, spoke to The New York Times, and then sat down last week with a clucking Oprah Winfrey to explain in detail what an incredibly private person she was and how desperately she hated being in the spotlight.
And lest anyone think the resulting interview involved a self-serving appeal for understanding, an embarrassing bid to portray the affair as a burgeoning adolescent-style crush, and an attempt to paint Byron as the villain of the piece β¦ actually, thatβs exactly what it was.
Cabot also had on hand a ready reckoner of all the parties she holds directly or indirectly responsible for the affair and/or the ensuing fallout. It includes (pause for deep breath) Byron, the media, TikTok, the tech industry, corporate culture, people who hate human resources, hackneyed tropes about homewreckers, Gwyneth Paltrow and Ryan Reynolds (who have since produced an ad for Astronomer, where Byron and Cabot worked), and other judgmental women.
Obviously, she did shoulder some responsibility for getting involved with her married boss (albeit in the irresistibly romantic surrounds of a corporate boardroom), but as a person who prizes βhonestyβ and βintegrityβ and just wants everyone to be βkinderβ to one another, Cabot would like, forthwith, to be seen as less villain and more victim. Less hypocrite, and more hip-hip-hooray, please.
Itβs enough to make you want to light a candle and form a sobbing circle of trust, isnβt it? Especially if you happen to be one of the lowly schmucks who was reporting to Cabot at Astronomer, where she was employed during the affair as the head of HR. Presumably any intra-office dalliances were dealt with via a spirited reading from the chapter of the employee handbook entitled βRules for Thee but Not for Meβ.
No word, either, on how Cabot, trailblazing quasi-feminist mistress for our times, feels about Andy Byronβs wife, who probably couldβve done without being the recipient of the kind of integrity Cabot was peddling when she was letting Byron cop a feel of her chest in public.
In closing, Cabot also confided to Oprah that she believed some sort of cosmic force knocked her off her previous life path and onto this one, such that, despite her reservations about being in the spotlight, she must now heroically forge ahead and spread the gospel according to thwarted would-be side chicks outed by Coldplay kiss-cam jumbotrons everywhere.
To that end, she will appear next month at a crisis communications conference in New York called βTaking Back the Narrativeβ, where for the bargain price of $1154, punters can once again hear the intensely private Cabotβs thoughts on life, her top tips for rehabilitating a tarnished personal image, and how Byron had intimated that he was in the process of separating from his wife (whatever that means) when he took up with her.
Hopefully sheβll also break into an impromptu performance of Diva La Vida, which she can lovingly dedicate to all the women in the audience. Stand by for Coldplay Kiss cam: The Musical. Because nothing says βkindnessβ like seeing your husbandβs mistressβ name in lights over and over again.
Michelle Cazzulino is a Sydney writer.
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