Jenna Ryu
Most friendships need more than just chemistry to survive. The strong ones rely on often small-but-meaningful acts of maintenance: replying during a brutal workweek, remembering to follow up after a big doctorβs appointment, making the drive across town even when staying home would be easier.
With the right people, those gestures rarely feel like βworkβ. Other times, your efforts may no longer seem like reasonable upkeep; in some cases, it can feel like the dynamic demands more energy than itβs worth.
βFriendships are built,β says Suzanne Degges-White, chair of the department of counselling and higher education at Northern Illinois University College of Education and author of Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them. βThey are voluntary, the relationships of choice.β
Which means that, yes, they require upkeep but also that you arenβt required to continue dumping your mental and emotional resources into a friendship that has become more draining than fulfilling.
Some imbalance is inevitable in long-term bonds, says psychologist and couples therapist Patrice Le Goy. People move, burn out, get married, have kids, switch jobs, and go through changes and phases where they simply have less capacity at 54 than, say, at 24.
Even then, you donβt need to accept chronic one-sidedness or emotional exhaustion as the inevitable price of staying close. Here are a few signs it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
You canβt be yourself without worrying about losing the friendship
βIf no one else in this world, we need to be authentic with our friends,β says Degges-White. That doesnβt necessarily mean unloading your deepest, most vulnerable secrets onto every acquaintance β but it does, at the very least, mean you shouldnβt feel pressured to change yourself just to get along.
Pay attention to how you act around this person. Maybe you stop sharing good news because youβve come to expect a subtly competitive reaction instead of genuine excitement. Or you soften your opinions, downplay your accomplishments or spend hangouts pretending to be more agreeable, successful or low-maintenance in hopes of securing their approval (or avoiding their judgment).
At that point, youβre missing out on what should be the bare minimum of a healthy friendship: feeling understood and accepted for who you are.
You organise and initiate every interaction
People tend to judge the strength of friendships by frequency β how often you text, how regularly you see each other. When really, what matters more than consistent contact is consistent care.
According to clinical psychologist Christie Ferrari, βa busy friend is still going to make you feel like you matterβ. Even if they arenβt available at a momentβs notice, most people β no matter how overwhelmed β still put some effort into the people they value. Some will send long voice notes during their morning commute if they donβt have the bandwidth for in-person dinners. Others might text to say theyβre swamped but still thinking of you.
Whatβs more concerning is when the relationshipβs survival seems to depend on your work alone. βItβs more about the pattern of it versus it being a one-off or two,β says Le Goy.
So rather than fixating on one disappointing week, think about the past few months or years as a whole. Who initiates plans? Who follows up? Who remembers birthdays, checks in after important moments and keeps the conversation going? In other words, if you stopped reaching out altogether, would there even be a friendship left?
You canβt work through problems together
It sounds obvious, but people who care about keeping a friendship will act like it. When tension comes up, theyβll do something β apologise, sit through an uncomfortable conversation, change whatever behaviour hurt you β in order to move forward.
On the flip side, dismissing, avoiding or giving up at the first sign of friction can be revealing. βIt means theyβre not as invested in maintaining the relationship as you are,β Degges-White explains.
Bring up a backhanded comment that stung, for instance, and a low-effort friend βmay blame other people or blame you for being worried about something thatβs not what they consider a βreal concern,ββ she says. Ask for a bit more consistency and reassurance, and βthey might try to find reasons why theyβre not showing up the way they should.β Such as having a busy job or having kids.
Over time, patterns like these subtly show how willing someone is to fight for the relationship.
What to do if a friendship is no longer serving you
Unlike romantic breakups, most platonic ones donβt end with a dramatic confrontation or clearly defined βtalkβ. Sociological research actually suggests friendships often dissolve through a gradual fade: less contact, fewer expectations β which experts agree is an appropriate approach for newer, more casual or already one-sided relationships.
In practice, that means not giving 90 per cent to a person who only gives 10. Donβt repeatedly rearrange your schedule for a serial flaker. Keep things cordial without automatically sharing the most vulnerable details of your life to a fair-weather friend who seems disinterested or distracted in what youβre saying. βIf the relationship fizzles out naturally, that may be an indication that you both feel the same way,β says Le Goy. βThat the friendship has run its course.β
Still, some situations do warrant a conversation, particularly when youβre dealing with a longtime confidant or someone whoβs still trying to maintain a level of closeness you can no longer reciprocate.
Rather than laying out every grievance or incompatibility, Degges-White suggests focusing on communicating the broader reality of your situation. βSo you can kind of say, βIβm going through some big changes in my life right now, and so Iβm not sure Iβm able to be the friend that I was before or the friend I should be to you,ββ she suggests. Ultimately, try not to make it about them, she adds. βMake it about whatβs going on in your life and how things are going to change.β
Difficult as it may be to accept, βnot every friendship is meant to last forever,β says Ferrari, noting that getting older often involves outgrowing certain dynamics, expectations and even people. But making peace with that reality can also be liberating, because letting go of relationships that drain you is what creates room for the ones that remind you that closeness shouldnβt be this exhausting in the first place.
Washington Post
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