Do we need to forgive our high school terrorisers?

“Initially, I wanted to run away,” he says. “I was scared.” Instead, he tapped his bully’s shoulder and said: “Hello. It’s me, James Vivian.”

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The bully recognised him and took Vivian aside. “He said, ‘I’m so happy to see you. I think about you all the time, and how horrible I was to you. I’m really sorry’.”

He even offered a reason – now very ironic – as to why the gang of boys picked on him so much.

“He said they did it because all the girls liked me and wanted to date me,” Vivian says. “He said they were all really jealous. It was frustrating because I’m gay!” he says. Nevertheless, James was grateful for the explanation and apology.

“It doesn’t make those sad moments any better. But it was validating.”

Ehab Youssef, a clinical psychologist, says that while an apology can aid the healing process, it’s not a guaranteed remedy.

“Some find such apologies validating, feeling a sense of closure when their pain is acknowledged. It can help them move forward, releasing lingering hurt and resentment,” he says.

“Others may find this stirs up old wounds. An apology can be a meaningful step, but it’s often just one part of a broader recovery and healing process.”

When a bully wants to apologise

Some former bullies are so tormented by their past behaviour, they feel a burning urge to atone. One such person was Woody Cooper, who features in one of America’s most infamous photographs of racial abuse.

The target was Dorothy Counts-Scoggins who, in 1957, was one of the first black students to attend a newly desegregated school in Charlotte, North Carolina. Young white students taunted her, threw rocks, spat and hurled racist slurs. Cooper was a culprit, caught on camera.

In 2006, Cooper emailed Counts-Scoggins with an apology. When the two met up, she said, “I forgave you long ago – this is an opportunity to do something for our children and grandchildren.” They shared their story many times.

But apologies don’t always go as planned. Sometimes, people’s memories of events differ wildly.

William Brougham, 47, was written to by someone who was in a different class to him at school, apologising for their treatment of him at school.

“The strange thing is I have no memory of him bullying me,” says Brougham, based in Sydney.

According to Youssef, a good first step for former bullies looking to apologise is to consider whether this apology is genuinely for their victim’s benefit – and not simply a way to alleviate their own guilt.

“I also suggest they’re prepared for any reaction,” he says. “The victim might not be ready to forgive.”

A moment of confrontation

Melbourne-based Jen Willis was severely bullied in grade six. “I was punched often, my lunch money stolen and I was even padlocked to the school’s front fence,” says the 52-year-old.

Twelve years later, the girl responsible walked into the pub. After deliberating, Willis approached her and said, “Oh my God. You padlocked me to the school fence.”

“I wanted her to take some accountability and apologise,” she says.

But the former bully did neither, instead asking Willis if she’d received an academic scholarship they’d both sat for. “I just laughed and walked away,” she says. “It seems this was what had challenged her.”

Caught off-guard and confronted with a former bully, nobody knows how they’ll react. So what would Willis say if she could relive that moment?

“I’d say ‘the damage you caused to my self-confidence was profound and lasted many years’.” These words, Willis says, would feel like a release.

While my school bully’s victims will never know such release, when I broke news of his death to them, many used the same stark single word in response.

“Karma.”

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