Thereβs one picture that often forms the outline of conversations about friends having children. Whatever the circumstances β one becomes a parent and another doesnβt, someone is the first to do it, or someone is the only one to opt out β it generally goes like this: we used to stay out late and talk about anything and now we canβt/donβt/have forgotten how. We were woven into one anotherβs lives and now weβve lost the thread.
In a 2023 feature by the writer Allison P. Davis, womenβs culture website The Cut referred to children as the βAdorable Little Detonatorsβ, something a friendship had to βsurviveβ. It was the kind of tectonic piece that made everyone feel seen, inflamed, resentful and self-aware in equal measure.
People with kids described how adrift they often felt, and how they could barely comprehend what had happened to themselves, let alone articulate it to a friend who didnβt share the experience.
Credit: Robin Cowcher
Those of us whoβve stayed child-free β by choice or circumstance or something in between β are often told by our friends who used to feel so connected to us that theyβre either envious of our freedom and flexibility, or that nothing we do is ever as significant or serious as giving life.
Thatβs how the conversation generally goes, anyhow.
While revisiting a golden episode of television recently, though, I was reminded of a different model that colours in the outlines in new shades.
Needing a break from the pain of another week recapping episodes of And Just Like That β¦ I returned to its source material and the character who didnβt make it into the reboot. In Sex and the City, Samantha Jones served as one of the seriesβ most vital mirrors: the single woman with no desire to marry, have children, or change her lifestyle in any way. Itβs the thing I find myself craving more and more as I journey deeper into my 30s sans mortgage, children or partner.
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While bingeing a string of season five episodes, I found myself pausing on one called Critical Condition. This was the episode where Carrie is fixating on her reputation while Charlotte is divorcing one husband and meeting the man whoβll become her next one.
But itβs the rare pairing of Miranda and Samantha that stopped me in my tracks, and gave me a new model of how to show up in my parent-friendsβ lives. Miranda, the hardened lawyer, is struggling as a new mum, with no time for herself and a temperamental kid who screams the house down unless heβs being rocked by a humming, electronic bounce-chair. Samantha tries to ignore Brady and all other children β why should her life have to change just because someone else decided to procreate?
Itβs one of those cliches, rarely said out loud, that new parents fear their child-free friends are saying behind their backs, and that some might occasionally think (or whisper or text) as our weekend mornings become booked up with kidsβ parties.