I discovered many people have an inner critic living inside their brain

He wasn’t saying, so I’d never know. It was like I was an approval junkie, teasing myself in the knowledge that I would never get approval. But having grown up feeling confused by things that happened to me as a child, with no forthcoming explanations from my family, appointing a mute inner-critic made sense.

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By the time I was in my early 40s and my brain’s de facto pop star was in his late 60s, I’d become so accustomed to him that I wondered what I would do if he actually died. What would that do to my psyche?

Maybe, I thought, it was time to tackle this. When I told my shrink about this guy, I thought he’d nod in recognition at this very common psychological device, but instead he admitted this was a first for him. So that really helped my self-consciousness. Also, had he not heard of God/Allah/insert deity here, appointed by religious folks to be their critical eye in the sky?

Since then, I’ve listened to the audiobook by Australian musician Clare Bowditch, Tame Your Inner Critic, in which she discusses the inner voice she’s named Frank. Then there’s the episode of the podcast Miss Me? – a no-holds-barred chat between musician Lily Allen and her old friend, TV presenter Miquita Oliver – which is all about self-sabotage.

The pair discuss a voice-note left for them by a listener, describing the “shitty committee” that lives in her head. In particular, there’s a character she calls Stella. Stella is a confident beauty that the listener could never live up to – “and boy does she like to remind me of that”.

In response, Allen is confused. “I had no idea people did this,” she tells Oliver. “I didn’t realise this was a thing.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, big time,” Oliver assures her. Turns out, Oliver’s mum has “Tania” living rent-free in her head, and Oliver herself has “Sh’Niqua”. Let’s say Oliver is planning on going to the gym because she wants to lose weight, but is veering towards, “I can’t do this.”

“Damn straight you can’t,” Sh’Niqua will chip in. “Let’s go to the pub.”

So there you go, some people do have a third-party inner critic. At least theirs talks to them.

Edited extract from The Introvert’s Guide to Leaving the House (Affirm Press) by Jenny Valentish, out May 27.

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