I’m starting an urgent support group. It’s called Parents Against Unicorns

Pip waves away my objections. He insists that his dramatic instincts are passionate and inviolable. It’s like working with Marlon Brando.

At this point I realise we need a support group for anyone who spends a lot of time with small children. Mine will be called “Grandfathers Whose Ideas Are Held in Contempt Even Though Some of Their Ideas Are Pretty Good”. I’m thinking of applying for a grant.

In fact, we need a series of support groups. You may be able to add to my list.

“Parents Against Unicorns”. This is a support group for parents of girls who believe that the unicorn is overrepresented when it comes to their daughter’s clothing. Just opening the wardrobe each morning is enough to bring on a migraine from the pink, the glitter and the promotion of creatures who, let’s be frank, don’t exist. The group’s slogan is: “Would it kill Nanna to buy her a T-shirt with a truck, just this once?” They also intend to picket Target.

“Mums Against Picky Eaters”. No way do these mothers want to go back to the old days, when last night’s uneaten peas would be served up for breakfast. On the other hand, the demands of some children do seem unreasonable. These include: “I only want food that’s coloured white”, “I only want food that comes with a free toy” and “Oh no, it’s awful, it’s awful, Mummy! The sausage is touching the mashed potato, and the sweetcorn is touching both. Make it stop!” The group is considering hiring the new Pope to provide mediation.

“Nannas in Favour of Clear Instruction”. This is a support group for nannas who dutifully followed the instructions to “push me higher on the swing, I want to touch the sky, please, Nanna, just a bit higher”, right up to the point the child bursts into tears and shouts out, “Mummy, help! Mean Nanna is scaring me.”

“Dogs for Toast”. It’s true that young children can be annoying when you are a dog. They pull your tail, they poke your eye. All the same, these dogs say, “reconciliation is possible”. If seated directly below the high chair, at exactly the right time, bits of toast should fall like nourishing rain. At which point all will be forgiven.

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“Younger Siblings Sick of Being Carried Around Like a Sack of Potatoes”. This is a group of toddlers who plan to hold a protest march with a clear message. The message is: “See! We can walk!” They admire their older siblings, they really do, but they do question whether they should be treated like an oversized doll.

Oh, and then there’s the last group.

“Four-Year-Olds With Grandfathers Who Just Won’t Listen”. This is a very confident group, the leader of which is a four-year-old called Pip. He’s worked long and hard to encourage his grandfather to give up his tiresome theatrical ideas – many dating from British sitcoms of the 1970s – in order to entertain a contemporary audience.

Pip gives the example of a theatrical triumph, achieved in the face of constant objection from his old-fashioned Pa, in which Tigger and Piglet nearly vanquished Dog Poo Bag and were about to seize the honey when Baseball Cap leapt onto Tigger’s head and turned him into poo.

How the audience applauded! How they laughed! That audience, laughing their guts out, even included Sweetpea, Pip’s brother.

Although maybe he was just relieved that, for once, he wasn’t being hauled around like a large baby doll.

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