Later, for reasons of personal safety, this rule would include: Always let me know where you are, and with whom.
A WhatsApp message with an address and a first name would suffice. We would also add a performative aspect to this rule, making a point of informing our dates that we were sending their name and address to our spouse. βMy husband knows where you liveβ seems to be a useful deterrent to shady business, especially for men β or at least it has been so far.
You can ask me to change my plans or cancel a date. I can also say no
We agreed that we would always consider each otherβs feelings and wishes over and above plans made with strangers. But any requests to change plans would simply be that: a request, not an order, requirement or ultimatum. No was still a valid answer.
No sexual partners in our home
To protect our daughter and preserve the boundaries between family life and dating life, we agreed we would not bring sexual partners home. On the rare occasion when we happened to date other people in open marriages or living with children, who often had the same rule, we would accumulate an encyclopedic knowledge of the sexiest hotels for trysting in Amsterdam, in every neighbourhood, at every price point, with the bill split by both consenting adults.
No coworkers
We agreed that the subtitle to this rule was: Donβt shit where you eat. Marcus worked in a conservative multinational corporation; this was simply self-preservation.
It was more complicated for me. Since I was a freelancer, I didnβt have bosses, teammates or colleagues, but could potentially end up working with anyone in the city. Later on, I would have lovers who wanted to hire me (and some did) and would end up sleeping with several people I had met through freelance projects.
No friends
Marcus and I agreed that we could sleep with our own friends, but that sleeping with each otherβs friends would only invite trouble. Iβve since had only one lover who started out as a friend; I still prefer to let platonic relationships remain platonic. Real friends are too important, too rare; I donβt need to ravage friendships for sex, which can be found elsewhere.
No sleeping over
The intimacy of waking up next to each other was something we agreed to reserve for our marriage.
No explicit sexual details, unless requested
Marcus had a visceral aversion to specifics. By not volunteering particulars, we could be respectful of each otherβs moods and feelings; whoever asked could control the flow of information and stop when theyβd had too much.
So we agreed: Only tell me what I need to know, unless I ask.
Me? I liked to ask. Hearing details fed visuals into my imagination, which was exactly what Marcus wanted to avoid. Details fanned the flames of my lust, but extinguished his.
One date a week, max
We argued about the frequency with which I dated. At the time I wasnβt aware β and I donβt think many people are β how easy it is for women to find dates online. Itβs a numbers game: there are simply far more men than women on dating apps. This could cause friction and drive us apart if I wasnβt careful, so we agreed to cap dates at one a week.
These were the rules we started out with. Some would shift and relax over time, others falling away altogether, as we grew in confidence, trust and experience.
Looking back now, I find myself surprised by how much we never thought to cover with explicit agreements. Our wedding vows were made much in the same way; thereβs a lot of fine print that βto have and to holdβ doesnβt cover.
Loading
For example, we never actually came to an explicit agreement that we would never fall in love with anyone else, although some rules were designed to prevent that from happening. I suppose at the time it seemed like such a remote prospect that it didnβt even occur to us to promise the obvious: that we loved and would only love each other, and that, despite giving up the privilege of sexual exclusivity, our first and only emotional loyalty was to each other.
I also find it ironic that neither of us ever promised not to keep secrets, although honesty was a fundamental condition of the whole exercise. Instead, we defined boundaries around what we didnβt have to tell each other, based on our comfort level around sexual details. For all the rest, it was a given: we would be fully transparent.
Otherwise none of this would work.
Edited extract from Ask Me How It Works (Penguin Random House) by Deepa Paul, out now.
Get the best of Sunday Life magazine delivered to your inbox every Sunday morning. Sign up here for our free newsletter.