Prince Harry wants to reconcile with his family. Is it possible?

Quinn says one of the main drivers of family rifts is domestic and family violence, including historical abuse.

However, there are many reasons why family members drift. Dr Katie Wood, an associate professor and clinical psychologist at Swinburne University of Technology, says neglect, disagreements around wills and estates, challenges with in-laws, money, differences in values or ideology, mental health and substance abuse are all frequently cited as reasons behind family estrangement.

“Usually it’s a complex set of factors,” Wood says. “There may have been multiple things bubbling under the surface and then one major conflict catalyses the estrangement.”

Often people are hesitant to speak openly about family problems. Wood says this is because we’re socially conditioned to believe family relationships are lifelong, validating and nurturing. When they’re not, people can feel ashamed or guilty for operating outside the norm.

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“Sometimes people just don’t know how to speak about it or how to explain it. Sometimes the initial reason for the distance gets lost, or their reason for the distance may be different to their parents’,” Wood says.

Can rifts be fixed?

Reconciliation is possible as long as everyone involved is willing to try. Relationships Australia national executive officer Nick Tebbey says true resolution can’t be forced or rushed.

“There’s often a lot of emotion behind rifts – feelings of loss, sadness, anger and grief,” he says. “Often the starting point is to process and resolve those emotions and get to a point where we can be clear and objective about what the actual external causes of the rift are.”

Once these emotions are processed, which could be done by journaling, speaking with a counsellor or self-reflection, Tebbey says it’s important to make it clear that you’re open to reconciling, while accepting they may not be ready to do so immediately.

Wood suggests beginning by writing a letter but not sending it. Then write an abbreviated version of the letter and send it.

“You can scaffold the contact so that you can see how it feels, bit by bit,” he says.

If all parties agree to meet or speak in person, Wood suggests inviting some kind of mediator, such as a psychologist, neutral loved one or someone from a mediation service.

“You’ll need to be realistic about what you may get out of the meeting,” she says. “Maybe in the first instance it’s just listening, not challenging. Maybe it’s just giving space to discuss things that aren’t to do with the conflict … just getting to know each other and redefining the relationship.”

It’s important to avoid blame, she notes, as this can make others “build walls that are then difficult to get around”. Using open, first-person language is useful, such as “I would like things to be different between us” or “what do we need from each other moving forward?”

Ultimately, Quinn says self-care is crucial during such emotionally demanding situations.

“Maintaining routines that support psychological wellbeing, such as adequate sleep, eating well, physical exercise and meaningful connection with trusted others, are essential,” she says.

Are some relationships better left behind?

Despite social norms dictating that all family bonds should be maintained, Tebbey says this isn’t always the case.

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“You should focus on what’s best for you,” he says. “If you can genuinely say, ‘right now, that is the last person I need to be investing my energy into’, that’s a perfectly acceptable response.”

Quinn agrees, noting chronic stress, trauma, healthy boundaries and breaking cycles of dysfunction are also reasonable reasons for cutting family ties.

“It often involves weighing the benefits of self-protection against the costs of severing ties and is usually taken after considerable reflection, often in consultation with a psychologist,” she says.

Some family members may be adamantly against reconciling despite your efforts. In these cases, Tebbey says it’s vital to avoid self-blame – accept that you’ve done all you can and tell them you remain open if they change their mind.

And rest assured that family estrangement often ebbs and flows, Tebbey adds. “The decision to distance yourself doesn’t have to be forever. There may come a time when you’re both in a place where you can mend those bridges.”

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