Why is it so hard for men to make friends?

Loading

“It’s not just about the number of friends you have, but the quality of those relationships,” he says. “Men are generally more comfortable with silence or rage. They’re, in general, taught to deal with difficult emotions like being sad, disappointed, or feeling excluded less than women … Just kicking the football around could lead to more of a superficiality, and then later in life, some men may feel more isolated.”

The older men get, the harder it often becomes, says clinical psychologist and director of MensPsych Dr Ian Zajac.

“Life becomes more structured around work, family and responsibilities. Time pressures increase and, generally speaking, adult participation in personal interests and hobbies decreases,” Zajac says.

“It’s probably fair to say women are more intentional about nurturing friendships by calling friends to talk, check in and possibly make other plans. Many men don’t do this by default, so adult friendships can fade without this effort.”

It’s even rarer for men to approach another man in a public space – one that isn’t contextually designed for socialisation with new people – and express interest in a friendship.

“Most guys will tell me they don’t know where to start because for the majority of their life, friendship has come naturally or as a secondary benefit to doing something they’re interested in, rather than something out of focused effort,” Zajac says. “As an adult, these guys are doing something for the first time in terms of actively going out with the intent of building friendships. It feels very awkward for them.”

As a result, many rely on their partner to introduce them to other men. As convenient as this is, Lichtman says its effectiveness largely depends on how much effort each man is subsequently willing to put into the new relationship beyond what the partners arrange.

Melbourne IT worker Sahil Vageriya says it was much easier making new friends as a child, when responsibilities, societal pressures and egos didn’t interfere.

“As we grow older, life adds protective layers to us, making it harder to let others in,” he says. “Social groups and parties are a great way to meet new people, but most of the time, it feels superficial. Many people carry a social image in group settings, especially men, where invisible egos or tension can get in the way.”

While it can be challenging for some men to develop deep friendships in adulthood, community psychologist at Connected Minds Psychology Daniel Morrison says it’s vital they try. Strong male friendships offer men permission to be both vulnerable and silly. Friends can also hold each other to account, Morrison says.

Vageriya has managed to make great friends through his housemates, work, badminton group and cricket team. But it’s an inexact science. He says knowing who would potentially make a good friend was like “looking at the clouds – you spot one that just grabs your attention”.

“That happened to me at a new job. I was in a team of 10, and one bloke made me smile and uniquely inspired me with how he spends his time,” he says.

Loading

To build a real friendship, Vageriya says he needed to make a concerted effort to see them outside of work, and not shy away from deeper conversations.

For men seeking meaningful friendships, Morrison suggests removing any sense of urgency and pressure. Instead of joining groups for the sake of making friends, he says try taking part purely for your interest in the activity, while being open to potential relationships along the way.

“Give yourself permission to not always present your perfect self. That pressure restricts any possibility of being in the moment, or organic growth.”

Jonathan Bruhl, a 25-year-old musician from Sydney, says his strongest friendships are those that contain thoughtfulness, authenticity, and often a shared love for music. One of his most spontaneous friendships began after a gig in Melbourne when someone kindly offered to help him pack-down the stage.

“Vulnerability leads to lasting friendship,” he says. “There’s already something inherently vulnerable about music – something deeper, more meaningful, or less public-facing that helps the sense of connection … If someone shows thoughtfulness and authenticity, I’m much more interested in approaching them spontaneously.”

These kinds of spontaneous connections are generally the exception, though. Bruhl says he met most of his adulthood friends through his work, simply because he sees them more.

“The more you get to see deeper into someone’s psyche, the more you can determine if that’s someone for you,” he says. “Meeting someone at a trivia night might be sound advice – the question is what to do with that opportunity. It requires an additional step.”

Quieter or lonelier periods are also natural, Morrison adds. Accepting that not as a failure, but as part of the normal ebb and flow of friendship will help foster longer-term relationships, and also build on your confidence to continue pursuing other friends.

As terrifying as it may feel to approach a stranger in a café or on the train, Morrison says it becomes easier if you remember that any rejection is not a rejection of you. “We’re not supposed to get along with everyone”, he says.

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.