We hear so much about the challenge of raising children with ADHD, but what about those parents who are diagnosed? How does a condition that can disrupt your ability to organise, focus and manage time make the difficulties of parenthood feel even harder?
βItβs overwhelming trying to help your children be organised when itβs something you struggle with yourself,β says Jane Barbieri, a Melbourne parent of two teenagers, who was diagnosed with ADHD at 45, shortly after her children.
βIβd recognised some of the same symptoms [as my children] in myself. It was a relief to learn there was an explanation,β she says. βIβd had these feelings of shame, guilt and frustration that I couldnβt manage things like other people could.β
Being a mother with ADHD
For Barbieri, the condition manifested in feelings of being overwhelmed, an inclination to overthink and difficulty with emotional control.
Being a woman with ADHD, who is also a working parent, often looks like burnout, says Dr Kate Witteveen from the University of Queensland, whose research focuses on women diagnosed with ADHD as adults.
βThe myth of ADHD is that itβs about eight-year-old boys wriggling in their chair and calling out in class, but thatβs not how it looks in women. Having ADHD means having a very different brain β some people say itβs like having multiple different channels operating in your brain at once,β she says.
βWomen might be in a position of authority, and if you throw in perimenopause, itβs a perfect storm. If their children also have ADHD, itβs a double whammy.β
Prescriptions for ADHD medication for adults in Australia rose by about 300 per cent in the 10 years to 2023, with an increase in the number of women having treatment.
The difficulties β and surprising benefits β of parenting with ADHD
ADHD is a condition that can make routine tasks harder. βPeople with ADHD often have very clever brains and struggle with anything mundane or boring, but are engaged by anything novel, interesting or urgent,β Witteveen says.
Much like Barbieri, Vivian Dunstan β founder of ADHD Support Australia and author of The Ultimate ADHD Parenting Handbook β was diagnosed with ADHD after her teenage daughter was.
βAll parents feel guilty sometimes, but when youβre a parent with ADHD, you feel youβre somehow failing as a parent, especially if you donβt have the understanding of other parents,β Dunstan says.
For those who struggle with emotional regulation, mindfulness can help, says Barbieri, who now works as an ADHD coach.
βChildren need a parent to co-regulate with them, not a parent whoβs become unregulated. When youβre unregulated, you donβt have access to your rational brain,β she says. βI know I used to overreact to my children, but now my daughter tells me Iβm calm. Practising mindfulness helps me catch myself before I lose control.β
But the condition can also bring strengths in parents, such as creativity, empathy and intuition, Witteveen says. βParents with ADHD can have a lot of compassion and understanding.β
And they can be fun, Dunstan says. βImpulsivity can also mean spontaneity, like βLetβs go on a picnic.β β
How to cope when difficulties arise
As for making parenting with ADHD less chaotic, there are strategies that help, such as using visual reminders to help remember things, Dunstan says. Finding ways to create structure for both adults and children, such as pre-organising meals and clothes for the day, can help make mornings less chaotic. As can making sure everyone in the household is getting enough sleep, and a little self-compassion.
βWhen parents with ADHD move from self-criticism to self-understanding, they create calmer, more connected homes,β Dunstan says.
Having understanding friends and family also makes a difference, as can medication, says Jacki McNaughton who was diagnosed at 41, and lives in Sydney with her husband and two children, aged nine and 10.
βADHD can feel overwhelming, but my husband is supportive, and when you have supportive people around, you donβt feel as if youβre doing things wrong all the time. Medication helps me stay more focused on one task instead of trying to do everything at once,β she says.
βIf Iβm not on medication, Iβll be halfway through making lunch, then Iβll start doing something else, then realise Iβve forgotten the toast.
βI also try to keep everything orderly. I put things I need to remember in my phone and I have alarms for everything,β says McNaughton, who works with people with disability.
And, as a parent, she thinks sheβs doing OK.
βI have a lot of empathy, and Iβm spontaneous and fun. My kids always say, βWe really love shopping with you; you say βyesβ to everything.β β
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