The subtle signs your relationship is in trouble, and how to save it

Major adds: “A lot of problems start to improve when a couple notices there is a disconnection. Being aware of what is actually going on between you is the first step towards building ‘togetherness’.”

How to re-engage

Ask yourself why you don’t exist as a couple. It could be down to practicalities such as having a hectic family life, or is it more that you’ve stopped prioritising time together after 25 years of marriage? Either way, it’s important to dig into the reasons. “Then you can talk about it,” says Major. “And rather than say, ‘You haven’t asked me out for dinner in months’, which sounds accusatory, try, ‘I wonder why we haven’t organised some time together?’ This encourages a conversation rather than an argument about what hasn’t happened.”

‘We don’t look at each other’

If you’ve lost interest in each other, that’s not a great sign. You need a basic level of curiosity about your partner to keep the relationship alive. Tina, 62, says, “I’d be with my husband, but we wouldn’t speak much or even look at each other. He’d come home from work, say hello with his eyes averted, then make a cup of tea and walk out of the room. We divorced 18 months ago.”

How to re-engage

“Not communicating can be the start of indifference,” says Major. “When you are curious about someone, it shows them that they are valuable to you. I often talk to my clients about the three-question rule. If your partner tells you something about their day, ask three questions about it. Like, if he says work was busy, ask him if he managed a lunch break, where did he go to eat, and what made his time out enjoyable? It’s not about showing an avid interest in his lunch break; it’s more about being interested in him. It confirms you are invested in your partner’s wellbeing.”

‘I can’t remember when we last argued’

A couple of years ago, the actor George Clooney claimed he and his wife of 11 years, human rights lawyer Amal, never argue. That’s a good thing, right? Well, not always. When a couple can’t be bothered to thrash something out, it could mean they have detached and don’t give two hoots about making a difference to the relationship.

John Gottman is an American psychologist, and his extensive research on marriage and couples has identified the key indicators of relationship breakdown. He cites “stonewalling” as a relationship red flag. This is when a person “withdraws from interaction, shuts down, and stops responding to their partner”.

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How to re-engage

Lindsay George, a British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy-registered psychotherapist and counsellor, admits that bringing up grievances is risky, but difficult conversations are essential in a long-term relationship. “Otherwise, problems are never resolved,” she says. “Couples get into silent score-keeping or they feel isolated and unheard. It’s healthy to get things out in the open. But there is a more positive way of doing it. Rather than react in the heat of the moment, set aside some time to talk. Avoid accusations and instead deeply listen to each other. Try saying, ‘I feel ignored when I explain what I want’, rather than, ‘You make me feel ignored’.

“Then it’s more about what’s going on in your relationship and not a personal attack on them. Conflict is about learning to bridge the difference between a problem and the understanding of where the other person is coming from.”

‘I touch him and he pulls away’

It’s easy to label your partner: she’s cold, he’s overbearing, she’s judgmental, he’s lazy. But often behind each marker, there’s a backstory. Marian, 52, was devastated when her husband, Niall, stopped instigating sex after 30 years together. “We went from an active sex life of at least a couple of times a week, to nothing for months on end. I’d cuddle him and he’d turn away.”

When Marian finally asked Niall what was going on, he confided that his libido was waning and he’d felt embarrassed about losing his erection on a couple of occasions. Marian admits she’d branded him as “aloof” rather than insecure, and her assumptions had created a cavern of misunderstanding between them.

How to re-engage

Think beyond the obvious. Could your partner’s lack of interest be a defensive response to you regularly pointing out his burgeoning belly? Or is his aversion to spontaneous hand-holding related to work stress making him jittery? “A marriage doesn’t just happen,” says George. “Both parties need to invest in it. When I’m in a couple’s therapy session, there’s often a major shift when one of them stops and thinks, ‘Yes, I played a part in that.’ If you are complacent, nothing will change. It’s easy to get stuck in stagnant routines, and even the smallest of incremental steps towards a different approach can save a marriage.”

‘My last text to him was months ago’

“Couples who share goodbye kisses, a meal together, casual texts, insider jokes and nicknames tend to do better,” says George. “They may seem like small things, but they are the glue that binds a partnership.” It’s not about sending a text regularly, or even at all – you may be the sort of couple who just don’t text or chat on the phone when apart. But being connected in an intimate way, unique only to you, is important. It says “us”, and that is the key.

How to re-engage

Dip your toe in the water. Send a cheeky text, book a night out, kiss her cheek in passing. Josh Hudson, a marriage coach, reveals on his podcast, The Marriage Reset, “These small interactions are called ‘bids for attention’. They are little tests that show how connected a couple really are. The couples who thrive are the ones who respond positively to these bids of attention … But for couples on the edge of divorce, even a small exchange can feel stressful because there has been tension beneath the surface for years. The key takeaway is it’s not what you’re saying to each other, it’s what is happening underneath.”

‘There are no holidays planned together’

When a marriage wobbles, joint plans can fall by the wayside, and a shared future dissipates. But does the absence of time together mean you are not remotely interested in being a couple? Again, it’s thinking about what is going on a deeper level. If you haven’t been on holiday together for years, this could be a significant red flag – sharing quality time endorses a relationship. But if you simply haven’t organised something for this summer, then the problem might just be an inability to get your act together. It’s also worth noting that time apart can be positive. Esther Perel is an advocate of “separation to stimulate desire”. She believes, “The longing, the waiting, the absence – they create the fuel that ignites erotic connection.”

How to re-engage

However, Perel doesn’t recommend spending too much time apart – excessive distance can damage the relationship, but being together constantly can also stifle it. Solo trips, or even a regular weekly commitment to a separate activity, can have positive outcomes – you miss each other and long for a reunion, plus you’ve built fresh experiences to talk about. Perel stresses the importance of uniting again with affection and renewed excitement and interest. She says, “When you spend time apart, you come back with stories. And stories are what keep the erotic thread alive.”

The Telegraph, London

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