What happens if you don’t look your child in the eyes? Doom-scrolling; texting; working parents; child development

“Making eye contact with parents or caregivers actually is really significant for [a child’s] learning and development,” says Dr Elise Waghorn, Program Manager at RMIT University’s School of Education.

Intermittently looking away, Waghorn says, is “not as crucial” as if a parent were constantly not looking at their baby – for example, if they were on their phone during every single feed or not responding appropriately “every single time that a baby is trying to reach out and communicate with their parent or caregiver”.

“What it teaches the baby or the young infant is that ‘I’m not cared about, I’m not seen, I’m not heard’,” says Waghorn, noting that in this case, what tends to happen is the babbling or crying gets louder, as infants try to communicate, “Look at me, I want to talk to you”.

“It teaches a child not to do it again because they weren’t getting the feedback or the connection that they wanted,” says Waghorn. “It actually reinforces that there’s no point doing that because nobody’s going to pay attention to me.”

In addition to establishing trust and an emotional connection with their parents or caregivers, eye contact – or a lack thereof – from a young age can have a flow-on effect, socially, as children grow up.

Young children especially learn how to move through the world through visual representations including body language, so role-modelling eye contact and responding to children when they gaze up at us teaches them how to respond to social cues and develop skills to communicate externally as they get older.

“As an adult, when we’ve got someone who narrows their eyes at us or tilts their head … we can read that,” says Waghorn. “But if we can’t teach our children that from a young age, they’re not going to be able to read those social cues when they grow up … it could potentially cause problems with their own relationships going forward.”

To a lesser extent, Waghorn says, an early indication of neurodivergence is difficulty making eye contact, so a parent not looking at their infant during times when eye contact would traditionally be made may not recognise one of the telltale signs that could spark early intervention.

“We’re all busy and we, sometimes parents, use [scrolling] as a way to kind of tune out,” Waghorn says. “But … we need to recognise the significance of not providing those intimate … spontaneous interactions that we’re having with our children and how it actually sets them up for lifelong relationships and learning.”

‘A working parent today is playing with their kids more than a stay-at-home parent was in 1974 … let’s give these guys a break.’

Genevieve Muir

Where should parents draw the line?

Former US surgeon general Murthy’s admission in August 2024 of the stresses he found in being a parent put the ideology of intensive parenting, and how it can be balanced with increasing economic demands on families with less community support, into question. Connected Parenting’s Genevieve Muir’s answer has never wavered.

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“A working parent today is playing with their kids more than a stay-at-home parent was in 1974,” Muir says. “So, like, let’s give these guys a break. They really are trying so hard … they’re reading two books a day, they’ve got to make sure they eat all organic, baby-led weaning food … and they’re working and under more financial pressure … the mental load is exhausting.”

Muir highlights research indicating the quality of time parents spend with their children matters more than the quantity, and how we can follow that logic to know when parents can take a break to scroll on social media, and when it’s best to put the screens away.

“If they were never getting that eye contact, like in the case where a parent is genuinely neglectful … we know through studies that that’s going to have a really profound impact,” says Muir. “But we know that if parents are able to do this beautiful serve and return and interaction that happens between them and their kids around 30 per cent of the time, that is enough to create a secure attachment.”

During the first 10 minutes of feeding, Muir says as an example, it’s like babies are “boring into our soul”, making eye contact as their brain develops. Once the baby closes their eyes, Muir says, that’s when parents can go to town on their phone.

“If we’re there just watching and being present again for that first 10 minutes … I think there’s a balance where if you are at the park and your child is happy, you are able to check your phone and send a message or do the online banking without harming your child,” Muir says.

“We don’t have to be catching every single glance. We don’t have to be available 24/7 … our kids will let us know what they need. I think we’ve got to trust in that.”

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