What to do if you find your child is stealing things

As rates of stealing fail to slow down, what can parents do if they suspect their child is stealing or has been caught doing so? Experts advise an appropriate yet empathic response.

Why do young women steal?

Today, Meg reflects on her behaviour as a compulsion she couldn’t arrest, linking the desire to steal to prescription antidepressants she was taking during that period, which she says made her feel “numb”.

Describing herself as a former shoplifting addict, Meg accrued a small collection of stolen items that had little value. She says she would walk into a store and feel unable to leave without stealing something.

“When I did it, I would get a rush,” she says. “I was in control of what I was able to feel.”

Shoplifting can trigger the brain’s reward system by releasing dopamine, says Dolly Bhargava, an NDIS specialist behavioural support practitioner. This may explain why women respond to stress with “internalising behaviours” such as anxiety, depression, withdrawal or self-criticism rather than “externalising” ones, such as getting into physical fights.

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Bhargava says stealing can provide a temporary sense of relief or distraction from emotional pain, especially as women are more likely to experience anxiety, depression or low self-esteem, and may use stealing as a way to deal with such emotions. Teenage girls are also likely to steal on succumbing to peer pressure – their peers reward them with a feeling of “fitting in” or social status.

Mark Dadds, co-director of the Child Behaviour Research Clinic at the University of Sydney, says shoplifting behaviours in young people can be attributed to: adolescent rebellion; more complex conduct disorders such as “naughty” behaviours; and, rarely, kleptomania.

Conduct disorders – which represent behaviours such as dysregulated tantrums, not listening to authority figures and consistently disobeying rules – are far better understood in boys than in girls, who present them differently and at a much later stage, Dadds says.

“Girls don’t tend to show it until later in life, in the adolescent years, and there’s been so much less work and research documenting these problems in females that we just know so much less about.”

While some shoplifting is born out of necessity or typical adolescent rebellion, other kinds of stealing can indicate kleptomaniac traits.

Stealing goods that hold little monetary or personal value, stealing goods that are discarded soon after the theft, and acting on impulse rather than preplanning the theft are all behaviours associated with kleptomania, which is classed as a disruptive, impulse control or conduct disorder by the 2022 Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders, a comprehensive study of mental disorders in the United States and Canada.

Although the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (the body that collects data on all health diagnoses in Australia) does not record data on kleptomania cases, in North America it is diagnosed three times more in women than in men.

What to do if you suspect your child is stealing

Experts say it’s important to approach the situation carefully. Child and adolescent psychologist Michael Carr-Gregg recommends keeping an open mind.

If you don’t have proof that your child is stealing, then it is best not to accuse them of having stolen goods, as unfounded accusations can damage the bond of trust with your child.

Instead, parents should set clear expectations about honesty and respect for others’ property, and indicate that there can be severe consequences for stealing.

How to handle confirmed stealing

Carr-Gregg advises remembering the goal is to address the behaviour while maintaining a supportive relationship with your child. It’s crucial to balance accountability with understanding to help guide them towards better choices in future.

The first step for parents who have confirmed their child has stolen something is to stay calm and avoid a harsh reaction. It’s important to initiate non-judgmental conversations to better understand the child’s motivations.

“Begin by describing the situation factually. For example, ‘I noticed that [item] was missing and found it in your bag’,” says Bhargava, who adds that it’s best to avoid accusing your child of being a “thief” or any other negative label, but rather to focus on the behaviour and not their individual character.

Bhargava suggests that parents ask open-ended questions – such as, “Can you tell me what happened?” or “Why did you feel you needed to take that?” – before assuring their child that it is understandable to experience the feeling of wanting to steal, but there are right and wrong ways of dealing with such urges.

Parents can then explain how stealing can affect other people, and the potential consequence of criminal proceedings.

When implementing consequences, Carr-Gregg says parents should focus on amends making, rather than punishment, which could include having children return or pay for stolen items and apologising to those affected by the theft, such as store employees and managers.

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He says parents could also discuss how the child would feel if their items were stolen, and consider seeking professional help if the behaviour persists.

“If the person is doing it because they’ve got impulses, and they’re stealing all the time, that’s a mental health problem that needs professional help,” Dadds says.

“If the stealing is just exploratory risk taking, of course, all kids will do that at some point. They’ll test the water, and grab something that’s not theirs. Then what we do is stay calm … but make it absolutely clear that that’s not OK.

“We don’t want to humiliate them, we don’t want to reject them, and we don’t want to make them an isolated monster. We just want to say: That’s not OK, you need to make amends and not do it again.”

Meg, who never told her parents about her behaviour, is grateful that her compulsion to steal has gone away, although she doesn’t completely understand why.

“I always wonder, why did I ever do that? Why did I push to feel something in that sense? I should have done something healthier.”

When informed of the commonality of the offence in NSW and Victoria, and that experts believe some retail theft can be a stress response for young women, she expressed relief.

“I had no idea. I thought I was alone.”

With Cindy Yin

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