Why more parents are saying no

He plans to revisit the rule when his daughters are around 15, “when they’re more mature and when they’re more armed to defend themselves, I suppose, in the event of something happening”.

Changing cultural attitudes to sleepovers

Gabrielle Hunt, a PhD candidate at Australian Catholic University and a registered psychologist, says more Australian parents are becoming wary of sleepovers.

Some are worried about the risk of sexual abuse, says Hunt. Others, she says, are concerned about technology use, and differing family’s rules around devices.

Equally, Hunt acknowledges that sleepovers can be an important stage of development for many children.

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“Sleepovers can be an opportunity to build really close relationships with their peers and develop resilience about being away from home, and having to look after some of those self-care tasks that might otherwise be prompted by mum or dad,” says Hunt.

Is there a ‘right’ age for sleepovers?

There is no right age for children to start attending sleepovers, says parenting educator and founder of Connected Parenting Genevieve Muir.

A mother of four boys under 18, Muir does allow sleepovers, but says the right age has varied from child to child.

“One of my kids has a significant speech challenge. I wasn’t going to let him have a sleepover as fast as his older brother because I knew that should something happen, he wouldn’t have the ability to communicate that as well to me.”

“It’s looking at the skills and where my child is at and thinking, ‘Well, is my child ready?’ Not just in a ‘want to go’ capacity, but in an emotional readiness and a self-readiness,” she says.

“It should be a decision that happens between parents and their children in terms of what they both feel comfortable with,” says Hunt.

Their first sleepover

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Ahead of a child’s first sleepover, Hunt says it’s important to nail the basics – like toileting, showering and table customs.

Then, make sure your child has an exit strategy should they need one.

“It’s about communicating, ‘It’s okay if you want to go home’.”

“It’s really common for kids to get to bedtime and miss home or it’s really scary because it’s the first time. So just reassure children that it’s okay if you need to get picked up, even if it’s late,” says Hunt.

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She recommends ensuring your child knows who to speak with should they need an “out”, or scheduling a time for you to call.

She says preparing your child for their first sleepover should start well before the age they are ready.

“The single biggest thing we can do as parents is have open, ongoing, honest conversations about children that empower them,” she says.

How to talk to the host family

Ahead of a sleepover, particularly if it’s your child’s first time with a host family, Hunt recommends talking with the host adults.

This includes broaching topics like “when is an appropriate bedtime, what your rules and expectations around device use are, and who else is going to be in the home when this sleepover happens,” including if parents might be leaving kids with a babysitter.

There’s no need to feel uncomfortable asking questions, either, if they can help you and your child feel at ease.

If the sleepover is with a family you don’t know well, Hunt suggests holding a daytime get-together beforehand.

If you are simply not comfortable with a family, always trust your gut, says Muir.

Sleepover alternatives

If you don’t think your child is ready for sleepovers, there’s no need for them to miss out on the fun.

Hunt recommends the “everything-but-the-sleep sleepover” as an alternative, where kids might have a late night but return home to sleep in their own bed.

Muir suggests talking with your child about why they want to attend a sleepover.

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“We can’t really expect a child to understand, ‘I’m trying to keep you safe’. They don’t care about that. They just want to go on the sleepover.”

Instead, try to understand their motives.

“It might be, ‘We’re going to have a midnight snack and we’ve been talking about it’. So you could say, ‘Let’s have your friend over, we’ll have a late snack and then I’ll drop them home.’ You can come up with alternatives when you understand what the motive is.”

“We’re able to really empathise and say, ‘I hear you … it makes so much sense to want to sleep over’.”

“It’s not ‘no’ forever, but it is ‘no for right now’. You don’t have to love it – my job is to keep you safe.”

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