Iβve met some wonderful men online recently β funny, smart, clever, successful and cheeky blokes who amuse and inspire. But what has made me so fond of them is their honesty. All these fellas suffer depression and anxiety and have no shame in admitting it.
Letβs start with a man I adore but whose name I donβt know. Heβs a New York chef who keeps his privacy guarded as he wryly critiques cooking videos from the sublime to the bilious. His subversive, acerbic commentary makes me grin every post. But some days he canβt get there. Heβs depressed and says so. He knows heβs not alone in living with a disease that makes you feel so, well, alone. Itβs a part of his life and he deals with it as best he can.
Mike Oh, from one of my favourite true-crime channels, That Chapter, is an affable Irish sweetie whose stories of serial killers and psychopaths often lull me to sleep. When he discusses a perpetratorβs depression, he speaks with compassion, openly acknowledging that he lives with the same insidious disease β and that it ainβt easy.
Perhaps my favourite new friend is Craig Westhoff, the creator of my social-media obsession, Lamentations of a Dog Owner. This manβs voice and intonation are exquisite in their Biblical splendour. But sometimes he will openly talk about dealing with mental illness, what heβs learnt and wants to share. His candour allows those of us who suffer (and sadly, Iβm one) not only understanding but also empathy.
This is important because mental disorders affect 40 per cent of Australians (for comparison, just 5 per cent of us have diabetes). And with the most severe effect seen in men. In this country, three-quarters of all deaths by suicide are male, making it the leading cause of death for males aged 15 to 44, and seven men take their lives every day. This isnβt so much an issue as an epidemic.
Many of them need the confidence to reach for it without shame, judgment or self-flagellation. They need mental illness to be normalised.
WENDY SQUIRES
Mental illness isnβt just sadness. It can also show up as anger, irritability and aggression. Symptoms also include risk-taking behaviour, substance abuse, social isolation, emotional numbness, chronic pain, sleep disturbance, digestive issues, fatigue, loss of libido and brain fog.
These are not indicators to be swept under the rug or blanketed in stigma. Men need help, and that help is out there. But many of them also need the confidence to reach for it without shame, judgment or self-flagellation. They need mental illness to be normalised.
I say this as a woman who has lost three cherished men to suicide, and I never want anyone else to endure the heartache and guilt so many felt as a result. The horror of comprehending just how low and lonely they must have been; the clawing feeling we could have done something; the heartbreaking loss of beautiful souls who had so much to contribute. I wish theyβd confided how they felt because there would have been no judgment, just love and encouragement.
Women are usually better at communicating such issues. In my close circle of girlfriends, mental illness is discussed openly, honestly and often. I will know when one of them is descending into darkness, as they will recognise it in me, and we will help to hoist each other out. Itβs the way itβs supposed to be. It takes a village to stay stable. My wish is for men to find similar ease in opening up and the solace that comes with knowing you are never alone.
At least there is much-needed light on the horizon. I saw shards penetrate some years ago when James Packer publicly revealed his struggles, admitting βmoney is not a guarantee of happinessβ and that mental illness βdoesnβt discriminateβ. Packerβs mate Robbie Williams joined him in declaring that heβs suffered from crippling depression all his life. Other famous men have since come forward β Prince Harry, Ben Affleck, Bruce Springsteen, Jon Hamm, Jim Carrey, Brad Pitt and Justin Bieber among them.
I donβt want to applaud men for sharing their struggles, just appreciate them. Because admitting to mental illness is not something brave: itβs vital. So, keep it coming fellas. Letβs normalise the conversation and lose the stigma. Because there is no shame in suffering depression, but there is in a society that ignores it.
Lifeline 13 11 14.
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